26th of April 2020
“Clown: Good Madonna, why mournest thou?
Olivia: Good Fool, for my brother’s death.
Clown:I think his soul is in hell, Madonna.
Olivia:I know his soul is in heaven, Fool.
Clown: The more fool, Madonna, to mourn for your brother’s soul being in heaven.”
Phone In Radio or Culture Wars
Don’t let your prejudices impact on my well balanced and nuanced views.
Good Morning and welcome to the new radio programme “Me, Today, Live.” In which I interview myself about things going on in my head and share them all with me, the listener. As is the case with so much media this programme is targeted at people who share the same views and agree with everything I say: me. There will be a phone in section where I will be able to phone in and ask my self some questions about how I feel about things that are going on. The moderator, me, will not allow any calls through that are deemed to contained material offensive to listeners, me mostly, unless of course they have been secretly planted by the producer, me, to support a point I am already going to make.
If you enjoy this programme and wish to support me, or people like me making programmes I agree with, please support me on Patreon and my Mefundme page.
So Keith, let me start by asking myself how you are feeling about this new broadcast and whether this is just one of your joke blogs or if you are trying to make a serious point? Thanks Keith. Well, as you know I believe humour is a way of making a serious point so by mixing apparently spurious jokes with the odd moment of convincing sincerity I feel I am able to convey my message in a jocular manner.
Keith, would you say that generally your listeners do actually understand the point you are trying to get across? No, Keith, because this isn’t a real radio programme so no one is listening except me. However, if you are asking about me, I would say I only partially know what I am trying to say because I am usually making it up as I go along. Though, if I want to be fair to myself, and I do, I generally have a theme in my head and expect anyone else to work out what that is.
Does anyone care what the fuck you are talking about?
What would you say was the theme of today’s blog Keith? You know Keith; I think I would answer by saying that you should work that out yourself.
Fair point. Before we take our first caller let me ask you what issues are currently at the forefront of our mind at the moment. Ok. (Pause) What? You can ask me what issues are at the forefront of my mind. Ah, thanks, so Keith, what issues are at the forefront of our mind at the moment?
Well, The selfishness of mankind.
Right. I see. Ok, I hear we have a caller coming in, so we will break off for a moment to hear a message from one of our advertisers and then we will take the caller. Err, Keith. Yes Keith. We don’t have any advertisers. No but I just wanted to put in a line that says “in 3, 2 1 seconds your programme will start again”. Why? Because it’s a subtle way of saying one of the things that pisses me off is the amount of advertising on social media and to ask if these algorithms are so bloody clever why do I keep getting adverts for military hardware when I live in a country where they are illegal and even the police are usually unarmed?
So Keith, we have our first caller and his name is Keith. Good morning Keith, where are you calling from. Here. Yes, we know that but for the sake of our listener, where exactly. Chiswick. Thank you Keith, so what would you like to ask Keith? Thanks Keith, I would like to ask Keith what he actually means about the selfishness of mankind and could he give us an example.
Thanks Keith. When I answered that question I had in mind the abject failure of the world’s leaders to take the opportunity of this global pandemic to act cohesively for the welfare of humanity. Clearly, their collective inability to tackle what we might call the interests of the corporate industrial machine in ignoring the rapid destruction of the world’s environment via human induced climate change has been going on for decades but the sudden and clear threat of Covid-19 seemed like the perfect chance to act in harmony. Instead we see countries and blocks acting only in the selfish interests of their own constituencies. From Trumpian USA and Johnsonian Britain to Bolsonarian Brazil and now, heartbreakingly and devastatingly, Modi’s India we see leaders unable to make decisions clearly in the honest best interests of the majority of their people. Instead what we see is a mix of political opportunism, deceit, corruption and pandying to the privileged at the expense of the wider population. The corruption at the heart of the UK’s PPE contracts, the wealth accumulation of a small number of billionaires and now the sight of India’s ruling political elite being protected while millions are suffering and dying through a lack of basic infrastructure should be making everyone apoplectic with anger at the injustice of it all.
Keith, does that answer your question?
No. I was wondering more about whether Keith was referring to the controversy about the various introduction of traffic calming measures and cycle lanes locally that is pandering to the selfishness of a minority of do-gooders at the expense of the majority of people who drive gas guzzling four by fours?
No, Keith. I wasn’t.
No shortage of Dicks of the Week.
Thanks. But Keith, you have gone on record with your ‘Dick of the Week’ section of photographs of inconsiderate behaviour during the pandemic here in West London with a focus on drivers.
Well Keith. You are correct about that and since the spike in traffic following the easing of restrictions I have noticed that we have an increase in 4×4’s and white vans parking across the pedestrian crossing points at the corners of High Street junctions forcing pushchair and prams to actually go into the main road to cross a side street. This week I even saw a wheelchair having to negotiate the kerb and edge round a van parked irresponsibly. Keith, why don’t you take a photograph and post it here to embarrass them. Because, Keith, this is a radio Phone in programme. Yeh, fair point. But Keith. Yes Keith. I have recently purchased a rocket launcher and a false beard so I can take my own remedial action! I think we should just be allowed to blow up anyone who we disagree with into smithereens. Just like we should stop anyone we disagree with calling this show or, frankly, being allowed to talk at Universities, for instance. My rule generally would be: Kill the tossers! What do you think of that? Erm, well Keith, I thought you already had a beard.
Well Keith. That’s all we have time for today. I would like to thank our caller Keith and especially our guest for the day, Keith.
Thank you Keith, I am grateful for the opportunity to share my views with myself and agree with them without having any extraneous interruptions forcing me to consider views contrary to my own. Well, Keith, that’s what us Radio Phone in programmes are for, don’t you agree?
Back to my unbiased and objective blog – I am sure you agree?
Next week, I will return to my blog, which I send to all my mates who have the same values as me and are not likely to be too horrible in response as I am sensitive to criticism. I still have my rocket launcher remember.
Thank you for that message Keith and for our listener Keith you can read Keith’s Blogs on Chiswick Calendar or on his website https://outsiderinside.co.uk/ and you can leave a comment but only if you are very nice as Keith moderates the comments and if you are horrible he will never ever talk to you again and might even come round your house with some heavy artillery and in any case will ban you from speaking at public events but it wasn’t him that started the culture wars it was …….(Ed. That’s enough Keith. OK Keith)
So, to close out this mornings show we are going to leave you with a song. This request has come in from Keith who asks can we play this for his friend Bridget and anyone else who has had a hip replacement in the last few months. (Ed. Err, havent you? Yeh, so what?)
A version of the blog has already appeared on the local ‘News and views’ website https://chiswickcalendar.co.uk/ do give it a browse for events as they open up with the easing of restrictions.